When still in Sheffield, I first came across the musical talents of Adrian Snell. I was particularly engrossed in his Alpha and Omega album, and the track Messiah mask. The song, from my addled memory banks, talks about evil masquerading as good, which is a particular hallmark of NT eschatology, especially the Revelation of St John the Divine.

Interestingly enough, I am discovering that I have a priestly mask. I don’t mean a professional face that I rightly put on to deal with the stuff of life; but sometimes a mask that is worn in which I can pretend to be something I am not. Sometimes that is inevitable, a priest sometimes does inevitably have to switch from being Clark Kent to Superman at a moment’s notice. Priestly ministry is not unique in this respect. Other walks of life do exactly the same; teachers, healthcare professionals, shop assistants et al. Those differing ‘professions’ though do not usually convince themselves that they have ‘holy’, ‘loving’ and ‘true’ as part of their job description. These words are descriptions of the divine, rather than the human; but too often I am ensnared with tendency to feel that I need to be like god for people. That is not though why I wear a mask; although it may explain why I work crazy hours, allowing little room for human flourishing and necessary relationships. I wear a mask because sometimes it is difficult to be myself.

Why is this? There may well be a number of reasons. First, I forget what it is at the heart of the Judaeo-Christian tradition that love and grace are central to every fibre of the universe. I swallow the pill that by own efforts I can make a difference to the fact that God, in Christ, loves me to bits. When that particular medicine takes effect, I am left with the awful reality that I can never be good enough in and of myself. I am left with half of the hymn writer, John Newton’s famous dictum, ‘I am a great sinner’ and miss the wondrous second part, ‘but Christ is a great saviour’. Second, when I lose sight of how much I am loved by the Creator of the universe; I find myself needing to pretend to be someone that I am not. That has the potential to lead to many and varied different scenarios, usually most of them have unhealthy conclusions. Third, I expect too much of myself, rather than acknowleding that whilst I have the capacity for theiosis; I am more ashes than stardust. Fourth, I misunderstand what Paul meant by saying he was all things for all people; and end up doing my best to please people; and get tangled up in my over enthusiastic efforts to be liked.

How is it possible to break out of such a place? I have only just begun to do so. First of all, throw the mask away and look squarely in the mirror, repeating the Jesus Prayer, ‘Lord Jesus Christ, have mercy on me’; acknowledging how great a saviour he is. In that I rediscover the idea of grace alone and justification by faith. Second, I keep short accounts with myself; daily acknowledging when I blow it, and when I get it right. Third – and this is the hardest, lose the priestly mask; remembering it was Kevin who was ordained, fragile old me, and not someone I think I should be. 

Please take a moment to be silent, and offer a prayer for me and for yourself.