A number of people have been in touch with me regarding my last post. One person has had the courage to ask what it was it that I regretted doing. I do not think I was referring to a specific thing; although sometimes I have bulldozed through decisions, without proper consultation and at times, I have mishandled a people crisis, often because I wanted it solved too quickly. I am not good at taking time, defaulting into knee-jerk decisions. I regret getting angry far too easily at times. Most of all; I regret not having the courage to be myself. Not being myself is one of my besetting sins. We do not talk about such things any more. In part it is because we have lost the ability to believe that sin is something that can entangle and stain us. This need not be taken as a statement that absolves us from responsibility, but does acknowledge that we do not live our lives in isolation, but set against a cosmic meta-narrative. I know that sounds odd, but it is how I understand my Christian faith.

However, one of the issues that have become increasingly clear as I have reflected on my life-setting is that at one and the same time, I am a brilliantly talented human being, who God has called to be a priest, and yet, I am also deeply flawed because I do not see how talented I am. I trust that this is proper reflection, rather than navel-gazing. Reflection has to involve sober reflection on a situation, and the possibility of moving on and changing things.

The flaw that I am talking about results in my putting of a mask in the desire to hide myself. It is almost like pretending to be someone else. This is always a crying shame, and it is an act of violence against the person wearing the mask. I am sure this flaw is not mine alone. People the world over are often engaged in an act of pretence; not allowing themselves to be seen. There is a danger than we make ourselves untouchable. As a result, people are pushed away. I think the wearing of masks is not restricted to a particular social group, ethnicity, gender or creed.

What is more of a problem is if and when a person becomes more comfortable wearing a mask that they forget what being themselves is like. Such a practice is a form of idolatry, really; and if you come from my own tradition idolatry is never a good thing!

So is it possible to break this circle of creating an ideal of yourself rather than just living as a frail yet glorious human being, full of the dust of heaven?

I have discovered that it is possible to start to see yourself as you are; and living in the good of such a discovery.

First, it requires, root and branch honesty about yourself. This is not easy. It takes time; especially when it has become all too easy to attempt the human journey in disguise. For Christians, this is the opposite of our theology of incarnation. In the doctrine of the incarnation, God the Son took on our human nature without hesitation and hallowed it. When we masquerade, we deny the strength of that part of God’s story.

Second, it involves nurturing the possibility of standing up for yourself, not retreating behind a mask. As I have learnt to stand up for myself, I have begun to laugh. Laughter is a great sign of liberation.

Third, it takes time to acknowledge the regret and move on.

So, yes regrets I have more than my fair share; but I am determined that my future will be mine, rather than the someone else I think others want me to be.